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Hello my cube fans!  I’m back and boy did we have an awesome trip!  Just me, the husband, two very demanding poodles all riding in a pick-up with a cab-over camper!  First stop was the Grand Canyon!  So, all over the park there are warnings to NOT hike to the bottom in one day. YOU WILL DIE!  Rescue is NOT guaranteed!  As a matter of fact, they also have a very graphic drawing of a guy on his knees projectile puking his guts while hiking on the canyon trail.  This translates in any language, don’tcha think?!

OK… so I am now a little concerned when my husband announces that we are going to hike down one of those trails to watch the sun come up and this requires us to get started in the dark!  So like a complete asshole, I agree!  So at 4:00 in the freaking ass morning, we get our coats, (its freezing) water, some munchies, headlamps and head down the trail.  Its so dark that without our lights we wouldn’t be able to see a damned thing.  Now mind you, the trail is about three feet wide and there is a sheer cliff that drops down to an ABYSS a few thousand feet below.  I can’t see the ABYSS thank GOD!  And then it starts getting light and now I can see the ABYSS!   Yikes!   The trail is windy and steep, but we are going down… straight down.  We get about a 1/4 of the way down the canyon and the sun is coming up over the horizon.  We sit on boulders and take this all in.  OMG what a site.  You totally forget about all the shit going on in the world!  Its just me, my husband and two random German guys who got there before us.  Yeah, crazy is an international thing.
A moment of silence as you gander at this photo that I took with my Cannon TSi.  (In Manual Mode people!)  Thank god for Youtube!

On the next episode of “Oh No You Di-int”  This is what I call the show, I shouldn’t be alive that’s on Animal Planet

So while we are watching the sun come up, three ladies (in their 50s at least) come hiking up to take in the view.  They claim they are going all the way down to the bottom…hike along the river then come back up on another trail….All in ONE DAY!  They only had day packs with them.  Signs all over the freaking park say DO NOT attempt to go all the way down and back in one day.  They said that they’ve been in training for this hike and that the signs didn’t apply to them.   ALRIGHTY THEN!   So I took a pic of these crazy ladies in case they came up missing, or are on that show “Oh No You Di-int”  and I can say…. HEY I HAVE A PIC OF THOSE WOMEN!  Wonder if they made it? Do you know em?  I’d love to know!  I surely hope they did and had a beer to celebrate that night!!!!!!

Saying good bye to our new Zen Friends, we head down the canyon another 20 minutes or so and take in more view.    You don’t realize how far down the canyon you are going when going downhill! We probably dropped another thousand feet in 20 minutes!  We had sense enough not to go down any further because going back up was going to be a BI-ATCH!  Oh and it was fucking hard!  Huffing and puffing, many rest breaks, but we made it to the top and it was only 9:00am!  We had the whole rest of the day to GET DRUNK!  Yeah buddy!  So as we are close to getting to the trail head, the hoards of tourists are starting to go down the trail.  Old people, fat out of shape people,  babies in packs, little kids wearing flip flops… Are you KIDDING ME? Are you not seeing the two people in fairly good shape having a hard time going UP the hill?    Now I know why they have disclaimers all over the park that say  “We ain’t gonna rescue your dumb ass!”

Another Big Ass Hole (In the ground)  Meteor Crater in Arizona.

Yes, a huge meteor blew into our atmosphere about 5000 years ago and created this huge ass “hole.”  If there was a hole in the ground you bet that we stopped to take a look.  The wind was blowing about 60 MPH at this freaking crater in the middle of nowhere!    We thought our camper was going to tip over.. but boy was this hole cool!  No one is allowed to walk down into it except folks from NASA.  Take a look!

Here is our RV parked at Meteor Crater parking lot about to be blown off the cliff!  Scared the shit out of me!

 

Here is our traveling circus posing in front of yet another big ass “hole” near Sedona AZ.  You can’t really see the hole, but its an ABYSS just on the other side of this rail!

So people of Earth, that is my short little pictorial and essay of the big ass “holes” I saw on my vacation.

Peace to all… and my heart goes out to the victims of Hurricane Sandy.  Give to the Red Cross!

PS.  I heard a rumor that my Cubelife Posse will be posting something soon.  We just had Halloween here in Cubeland and the cube decorations were AWESOME!  Pics to come… I hope!
Your Cube Queen

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OK..  I’m about out of here for two weeks my cubical comrades, however, before I go I would like to share with you some awesome ways to really annoy your cube neighbor.  You know you have really hit the mother lode if you drive your cube neighbor to see a psychiatrist or a hypnotherapist to help deal with your craaaaaazy ass annoyances!  Ready?  Here goes.

1.  Eat something really slurpee and loud.  Spaghetti, soup, noodles, you get the picture?  Eat it like you are a starving kid in Ethiopia and hadn’t eaten in days.

3. Eat things extremely crunchy and throughout the day.  To get the full effect you must eat with your mouth wide open and chomp like a f*ing horse. If they happen to stop by and see you face to face, keep chomping and let the chips fly out of your mouth as you talk to them.  They won’t stay long, trust me…

4. Collate paper.  Now this sounds like a quiet activity.  However, if done properly by picking up reams of paper and pounding them on your desk several times a minute, it’s a show stopper for sure. You might get some of your papers organized in the process. It’s a multi-tasking thing.

5. Get the crappiest speakers you can find and plug in your MP3 player and well… you know what to do. You will have to get some Intel first though… find out the music your cubical neighbor absolutely hates.  Death metal, Irish clogging music or Bluegrass usually does the trick for most people.

6.  Sigh.   Yes, just sit at your desk and sigh… Often and really loud.  Have fun with it.. make your sighs sound different. Start sighing when you get in and all throughout the day.  Don’t say anything about your sighs… just SIGH!  Isn’t this so simple?  I think there may be some health benefits to you doing this.. I’ll have to go check with Dr. Oz.

7. Use your natural talents God gave ya!   Snort your phlegm, Cough like you smoke 6 packs a day, Fart like a wild ape!  let er rip!  or…. YELL-sneeze (this is my favorite)  Just YELL AAAAAAACCCCHUUUUUUU… and say you have allergies.  This gets them jumping out of their chair from surprise every single time!

8. Talk!    Talk about every single thing you are thinking. EVERYTHING  Don’t hold back and talk to them through the cube wall. Don’t bother getting up!  That’s why cubicles were invented, for your talking convenience!!   Keep talking even if they are on the phone.  Talk talk talk talk.  This  may backfire on you if they are talkers too.  You’ll have to gauge this one.

9.  For the last one… Nine is a good number…  bang on your computer keyboard and your mouse all FUCKING DAY LONG  as if you are a MONKEY ON METH.  This one actually did drive me to a hypnotherapist.

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It’s a four day work-week for me peeps.  Yes, your cubical highness is heading out for a long overdue vacation.  It’s an old fashioned road trip for me and the husband.  We are packing up the RV, the two poodles and our guns (who doesn’t travel well-armed these days-que banjo music) in a quest for the cheesiest of roadside tourist traps the United States has to offer.  Where is that biggest ball of twine in the world or the cow shit in with the Jesus face you ask?  We are about to find out.  The first stop on our journey out of this God forsaken state where the price of gas will make you sell off a kid to the sex slave market. (I’m just making a sick joke… lighten the f*ck up will ya?) will be the Grand Canyon.  Yes, one of the 7 wonders of the world (I think its 7, I suck at Geography)  Anyhoo, I made reservations at the trailer park on the South Rim where we will have full hook-ups with cable TV for the RV. all for a bargain price of $37.00 a night!  Can’t beat RV’ing!  The guy who took my reservation on the phone tried to talk me into booking a 3 hour mule ride along the canyon rim for $122.00 a person.  I declined.. I have  donkey at home I can ride for free thank you very much (see my prior post)  However, my husband is wanting to do a helicopter ride, which I’m sure will be quadruple the cost of the mule.. Ok the mule ride is looking better now that I see all of this in words..   Once we get our fill of looking at a huge hole in the ground, we will pack up our little circus and head to Phoenix.  What’s in Phoenix you ask?  Freaking nothing… well except some of HIS family.  I guess an old fashioned road trip wouldn’t be complete without visiting relatives you haven’t seen since you were 10.   Sigh..  I’m sure it will be fun.  Where is that poop with the Jesus face?

 Once we do the family thing, we are off to Santa Fe.  MY MECCA!  Oh yes people, this is where all artists go…including me.  I’m also a sucka for anything Native American and oh yes, there will be turquoise shopping.  And the art galleries are off the chain (do people say that anymore? I’m always behind on the current hip lingo…do they say hip anymore?  FUCK I can’t keep up! 

I just love the vibe in Santa Fe.  I can see why all the rich people want to settle there. 

 After my husband pries my hands off of the doors of the art galleries, we shall then truck over to Utah to see more geographical wonders.  Arches.  Yes, we shall buy quarter pounders in Salt Lake..  Lord, do I crack myself up. Ok. For real  we are heading over to the Arches National park where there are huge arch formations made of rock.  I just hope the gift stores at these national parks have good 2013 calendars.. I’m in need. 

So Sionara Suckas all stuck in the cube.  See you in a while.  Just do your best to annoy the crap out of your cube neighbors whilst I’m away. 

 Pease out (do they say that or just that freak Ryan Seacrest?) UGH..

“Oh yeah… have you seen Jill’s desk.  It’s piled with so much shit you can’t see her computer, but when you ask her for something, she knows right where it is!”  

 BULLSHIT!  I’m not buying into this urban myth.  I think she just gets lucky every now and then.  If you want to see a huge collection of office hoarding pics check out this awesome blog where both of these photos came from!  Its apparently an epidemic in the workplace!  My favorite is the Mt. Vesuvius of soda bottles.   Now don’t get this post confused with the over-the-top collectors… their displays are cubicle awesomeness and have organization (sort of)  These other guys are straight up hoarders.  Come on.. have you heard of e-mail?  It’s a really cool invention that’s been around for some time now and saves trees. 

I just wish the habitants of these fine displays of crazy dysfunction posed in front of their private land fills!   If they were allowed pets at work, I would imagine the building would be crawling with cats.

 

PS.  Bosses are big time pussies for letting this madness go on.  Ima thinkin’ some fire codes are being broken here.

Everybody and their damned mother has decided to go back to college this semester which has made my commute downtown a living breathing HELL since labor day.  It took me an hour and half to get to work this morning.  I heard a myth once about telecommuting.. but just like Big Foot, it’s had some sightings but nothing has been definitely proven. I saw this telecommuting policy once, but I believe it has since been shredded with other top secret government documents.  If you work for the government, Loch Ness Monster has more of a chance of being captured than you ever getting the opportunity to telecommute.  Another myth around here is something called an alternate work week or flex time.  Yes, this is another one of those work legends that I’ve heard about around the water cooler, but no-one has really come to know it personally.  I knew of a woman once who was able to do this, but she disappeared under some mysterious circumstances never to be seen again.  Disappeared people!  That’s some scary ass shit! The government dictators want us all in our cubicles 8 hours a day 5 days a week, period.

So all I can do is PRAY that these over achieving college goers that are clogging up my commute in the morning as I drone on to my cubicle drop a few classes in the next couple of weeks and things get back to normal.  People, just get yourself one of those internet degrees and call it a day.  Hardly anyone checks transcripts anyway!  Do us all a favor!

Here is a cool little feature that all cube dwellers should have.  It’s a flat screen TV that sits on my desk where I play loops of under-sea scenes and other cool nature landscapes via DVD. I sit and stare at it and imagine I’m there.  Serenity NOW!

It’s a donkey you perv.  And she ain’t no ordinary donkey, she’s one mean bad ass (no pun) donkey that will kill you if she wanted.  Seriously this is an attack donkey.  Just ask my dogs.. they stay on the porch when she’s roaming the property.

Her name is Mija and she looks sweet, but she’s anything but.  She bites, kicks, stomps charges and will f*ck you up in a heart beat.

She loves to beat the shit out of coyotes.

She has a weird thing about my car.  When she hears the garage door go up in the morning, she will run to the driveway and purposely keep me from pulling my car out.  She’s made me late for my cube job more than once.

Me: Yeah my donkey wouldn’t let me pull out of the garage this morning. (who would ever believe this BS story?)

Boss:  Uh yeah. Sure..

Me:  I have photos.. look (whip out phone)

Boss: Awe, what a cute little donkey.

Me: Are you f”ing  kidding? Didn’t you see that movie Cujo where that rabid dog kept that lady and her kid trapped in that car for days?  I was prepared to die this morning.  This donkey is Evil.

Boss: She doesn’t look mean

Me:  This donkey is f’ing psycho

This went on every day for a week.  I had photos uploaded onto my FB page but they have disappeared.  I’m pissed at FB right now..I think my donkey has a conspiracy with Mark Zuckerberg.  F’ing donkey.  F’ing Zuckerberg.  Both EVIL and will take over the world.

             Crazy eyes….. 

OMG What god forsaken company is this where they don’t allow clutter?  Who the living hell works in this cubicle?  NO NO NO.. this is NOT the way to live in a cubicle!  No Monkeybutt Powder or McDonald’s toys anywhere!!!  This poor girl only gets to decorate her cube with “useful”  WORK RELATED CRAP?  WTF?! What’s that about?  Her only flair is a small bulletin board with her Dreams written and a couple of wishful photos? Yeah, like thats ever gonna happen.. Dream on Sucka..