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Archive for September, 2012

“Oh yeah… have you seen Jill’s desk.  It’s piled with so much shit you can’t see her computer, but when you ask her for something, she knows right where it is!”  

 BULLSHIT!  I’m not buying into this urban myth.  I think she just gets lucky every now and then.  If you want to see a huge collection of office hoarding pics check out this awesome blog where both of these photos came from!  Its apparently an epidemic in the workplace!  My favorite is the Mt. Vesuvius of soda bottles.   Now don’t get this post confused with the over-the-top collectors… their displays are cubicle awesomeness and have organization (sort of)  These other guys are straight up hoarders.  Come on.. have you heard of e-mail?  It’s a really cool invention that’s been around for some time now and saves trees. 

I just wish the habitants of these fine displays of crazy dysfunction posed in front of their private land fills!   If they were allowed pets at work, I would imagine the building would be crawling with cats.

 

PS.  Bosses are big time pussies for letting this madness go on.  Ima thinkin’ some fire codes are being broken here.

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Everybody and their damned mother has decided to go back to college this semester which has made my commute downtown a living breathing HELL since labor day.  It took me an hour and half to get to work this morning.  I heard a myth once about telecommuting.. but just like Big Foot, it’s had some sightings but nothing has been definitely proven. I saw this telecommuting policy once, but I believe it has since been shredded with other top secret government documents.  If you work for the government, Loch Ness Monster has more of a chance of being captured than you ever getting the opportunity to telecommute.  Another myth around here is something called an alternate work week or flex time.  Yes, this is another one of those work legends that I’ve heard about around the water cooler, but no-one has really come to know it personally.  I knew of a woman once who was able to do this, but she disappeared under some mysterious circumstances never to be seen again.  Disappeared people!  That’s some scary ass shit! The government dictators want us all in our cubicles 8 hours a day 5 days a week, period.

So all I can do is PRAY that these over achieving college goers that are clogging up my commute in the morning as I drone on to my cubicle drop a few classes in the next couple of weeks and things get back to normal.  People, just get yourself one of those internet degrees and call it a day.  Hardly anyone checks transcripts anyway!  Do us all a favor!

Here is a cool little feature that all cube dwellers should have.  It’s a flat screen TV that sits on my desk where I play loops of under-sea scenes and other cool nature landscapes via DVD. I sit and stare at it and imagine I’m there.  Serenity NOW!

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It’s a donkey you perv.  And she ain’t no ordinary donkey, she’s one mean bad ass (no pun) donkey that will kill you if she wanted.  Seriously this is an attack donkey.  Just ask my dogs.. they stay on the porch when she’s roaming the property.

Her name is Mija and she looks sweet, but she’s anything but.  She bites, kicks, stomps charges and will f*ck you up in a heart beat.

She loves to beat the shit out of coyotes.

She has a weird thing about my car.  When she hears the garage door go up in the morning, she will run to the driveway and purposely keep me from pulling my car out.  She’s made me late for my cube job more than once.

Me: Yeah my donkey wouldn’t let me pull out of the garage this morning. (who would ever believe this BS story?)

Boss:  Uh yeah. Sure..

Me:  I have photos.. look (whip out phone)

Boss: Awe, what a cute little donkey.

Me: Are you f”ing  kidding? Didn’t you see that movie Cujo where that rabid dog kept that lady and her kid trapped in that car for days?  I was prepared to die this morning.  This donkey is Evil.

Boss: She doesn’t look mean

Me:  This donkey is f’ing psycho

This went on every day for a week.  I had photos uploaded onto my FB page but they have disappeared.  I’m pissed at FB right now..I think my donkey has a conspiracy with Mark Zuckerberg.  F’ing donkey.  F’ing Zuckerberg.  Both EVIL and will take over the world.

             Crazy eyes….. 

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OMG What god forsaken company is this where they don’t allow clutter?  Who the living hell works in this cubicle?  NO NO NO.. this is NOT the way to live in a cubicle!  No Monkeybutt Powder or McDonald’s toys anywhere!!!  This poor girl only gets to decorate her cube with “useful”  WORK RELATED CRAP?  WTF?! What’s that about?  Her only flair is a small bulletin board with her Dreams written and a couple of wishful photos? Yeah, like thats ever gonna happen.. Dream on Sucka..  

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I woke up this morning with a small boulder in my eye.  I have no idea how a boulder gets in your eye while you are sleeping, but it happened.  I swear.  So freaking painful.  I tried to sleep in a little until it went away but it just wouldn’t so I get up and head to work.  Trying to drive with a boulder in your eye is really hard.  It hurt so freaking bad that I decided to whip into my doctor’s office to have the boulder removed. Of course my doc couldn’t see me until 3:00pm so they send me to urgent care (Med 7 in Natomas).   I get to urgent care and they don’t open until 9:00.  Really?  OK.  so I sit in my car for an hour waiting with the boulder in my eye.

At 2 minutes until 9:00 I get out of my car and wait in front of their door.  I’m the only one there.  Then all of a sudden a lady in a business suit holding her briefcase and ipad saddles up right next to me in front of the door.  I’m thinking she works there or is a pharmacy rep.  When the worker unlocks the door, I open it and the lady just strides right in…. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!  OK.. I’m still thinking she has business and couldn’t possibly be a patient cutting in line.   She heads right up to the window and said she needs to see a doctor because she isn’t feeling good.  OMG what an f’ing BITCH!  I have a boulder in my eye and she cuts right in front of me.  Some people just don’t give a shit and are so entitled!  If she had been at the door first, I wouldn’t have cut in front of her!!    Of course I didn’t want to cause a scene so I just let the lady get served and let KARMA take care of her later.

PS. I still have a boulder in my eye.

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Over the years I’ve seen it all.  I mean coo-coo crazy shit when it comes to cubicle decorating.  Remember a typical cubicle is only about 6×6 feet.  A tall guy couldn’t lay down in his cubicle without having to go into the fetal position.  The inside of the cube is made up of modular furniture that is put together in pieces.  Typically there are bookshelves with sliding front covers.  However no one, I mean NO ONE uses these spaces for book shelves.. (me included)  these valuable surfaces are used to display all of your crap.  When I say crap, I mean nic nacs you pick up at the 99 cent store, crap that was given to you as a gag gift, toys, souvenirs from theme parks and stuff your kids made in 1st grade (they are now in their 20s).  It’s like people purposely go all trailer trash with their cubes.  You might have a totally put-together house right out of Living Magazine, but I bet you my last dollar your cubicle looks like a teenagers junky bedroom.  For example, I had a bottle of Monkey Butt Powder that was given to me as a joke proudly displayed on my shelf for 10 years. Really?  I guess since I sit on my ass 8 hours a day, that monkey butt would have come in handy at some point for my seat rash, Ima thinkin’ so I kept it around, plus the name Monket Butt was so damned funny and sooo work appropriate!

I’ve seen cubes with doll figurines 6 rows deep on risers covering every flat surface. And don’t get me started with the sports teams fanatics… they could open up a sports memorabilia store.  People start collecting and what better place to display all of your collectable McDonald’s happy meal toys from the past 20 years than in your cubicle where lets face it… you get more traffic than your house!

My small collection of crap in my Cube.

Nose glasses??  Really???  Well, they have come in handy on occasion… don’t ask.  I had already thrown out the Monkey butt powder… I wish I hadn’t.   Also, shamelessly plugging my books at work.  Oh yeah..

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