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Archive for October, 2012

OK..  I’m about out of here for two weeks my cubical comrades, however, before I go I would like to share with you some awesome ways to really annoy your cube neighbor.  You know you have really hit the mother lode if you drive your cube neighbor to see a psychiatrist or a hypnotherapist to help deal with your craaaaaazy ass annoyances!  Ready?  Here goes.

1.  Eat something really slurpee and loud.  Spaghetti, soup, noodles, you get the picture?  Eat it like you are a starving kid in Ethiopia and hadn’t eaten in days.

3. Eat things extremely crunchy and throughout the day.  To get the full effect you must eat with your mouth wide open and chomp like a f*ing horse. If they happen to stop by and see you face to face, keep chomping and let the chips fly out of your mouth as you talk to them.  They won’t stay long, trust me…

4. Collate paper.  Now this sounds like a quiet activity.  However, if done properly by picking up reams of paper and pounding them on your desk several times a minute, it’s a show stopper for sure. You might get some of your papers organized in the process. It’s a multi-tasking thing.

5. Get the crappiest speakers you can find and plug in your MP3 player and well… you know what to do. You will have to get some Intel first though… find out the music your cubical neighbor absolutely hates.  Death metal, Irish clogging music or Bluegrass usually does the trick for most people.

6.  Sigh.   Yes, just sit at your desk and sigh… Often and really loud.  Have fun with it.. make your sighs sound different. Start sighing when you get in and all throughout the day.  Don’t say anything about your sighs… just SIGH!  Isn’t this so simple?  I think there may be some health benefits to you doing this.. I’ll have to go check with Dr. Oz.

7. Use your natural talents God gave ya!   Snort your phlegm, Cough like you smoke 6 packs a day, Fart like a wild ape!  let er rip!  or…. YELL-sneeze (this is my favorite)  Just YELL AAAAAAACCCCHUUUUUUU… and say you have allergies.  This gets them jumping out of their chair from surprise every single time!

8. Talk!    Talk about every single thing you are thinking. EVERYTHING  Don’t hold back and talk to them through the cube wall. Don’t bother getting up!  That’s why cubicles were invented, for your talking convenience!!   Keep talking even if they are on the phone.  Talk talk talk talk.  This  may backfire on you if they are talkers too.  You’ll have to gauge this one.

9.  For the last one… Nine is a good number…  bang on your computer keyboard and your mouse all FUCKING DAY LONG  as if you are a MONKEY ON METH.  This one actually did drive me to a hypnotherapist.

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It’s a four day work-week for me peeps.  Yes, your cubical highness is heading out for a long overdue vacation.  It’s an old fashioned road trip for me and the husband.  We are packing up the RV, the two poodles and our guns (who doesn’t travel well-armed these days-que banjo music) in a quest for the cheesiest of roadside tourist traps the United States has to offer.  Where is that biggest ball of twine in the world or the cow shit in with the Jesus face you ask?  We are about to find out.  The first stop on our journey out of this God forsaken state where the price of gas will make you sell off a kid to the sex slave market. (I’m just making a sick joke… lighten the f*ck up will ya?) will be the Grand Canyon.  Yes, one of the 7 wonders of the world (I think its 7, I suck at Geography)  Anyhoo, I made reservations at the trailer park on the South Rim where we will have full hook-ups with cable TV for the RV. all for a bargain price of $37.00 a night!  Can’t beat RV’ing!  The guy who took my reservation on the phone tried to talk me into booking a 3 hour mule ride along the canyon rim for $122.00 a person.  I declined.. I have  donkey at home I can ride for free thank you very much (see my prior post)  However, my husband is wanting to do a helicopter ride, which I’m sure will be quadruple the cost of the mule.. Ok the mule ride is looking better now that I see all of this in words..   Once we get our fill of looking at a huge hole in the ground, we will pack up our little circus and head to Phoenix.  What’s in Phoenix you ask?  Freaking nothing… well except some of HIS family.  I guess an old fashioned road trip wouldn’t be complete without visiting relatives you haven’t seen since you were 10.   Sigh..  I’m sure it will be fun.  Where is that poop with the Jesus face?

 Once we do the family thing, we are off to Santa Fe.  MY MECCA!  Oh yes people, this is where all artists go…including me.  I’m also a sucka for anything Native American and oh yes, there will be turquoise shopping.  And the art galleries are off the chain (do people say that anymore? I’m always behind on the current hip lingo…do they say hip anymore?  FUCK I can’t keep up! 

I just love the vibe in Santa Fe.  I can see why all the rich people want to settle there. 

 After my husband pries my hands off of the doors of the art galleries, we shall then truck over to Utah to see more geographical wonders.  Arches.  Yes, we shall buy quarter pounders in Salt Lake..  Lord, do I crack myself up. Ok. For real  we are heading over to the Arches National park where there are huge arch formations made of rock.  I just hope the gift stores at these national parks have good 2013 calendars.. I’m in need. 

So Sionara Suckas all stuck in the cube.  See you in a while.  Just do your best to annoy the crap out of your cube neighbors whilst I’m away. 

 Pease out (do they say that or just that freak Ryan Seacrest?) UGH..

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