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OK..  I’m about out of here for two weeks my cubical comrades, however, before I go I would like to share with you some awesome ways to really annoy your cube neighbor.  You know you have really hit the mother lode if you drive your cube neighbor to see a psychiatrist or a hypnotherapist to help deal with your craaaaaazy ass annoyances!  Ready?  Here goes.

1.  Eat something really slurpee and loud.  Spaghetti, soup, noodles, you get the picture?  Eat it like you are a starving kid in Ethiopia and hadn’t eaten in days.

3. Eat things extremely crunchy and throughout the day.  To get the full effect you must eat with your mouth wide open and chomp like a f*ing horse. If they happen to stop by and see you face to face, keep chomping and let the chips fly out of your mouth as you talk to them.  They won’t stay long, trust me…

4. Collate paper.  Now this sounds like a quiet activity.  However, if done properly by picking up reams of paper and pounding them on your desk several times a minute, it’s a show stopper for sure. You might get some of your papers organized in the process. It’s a multi-tasking thing.

5. Get the crappiest speakers you can find and plug in your MP3 player and well… you know what to do. You will have to get some Intel first though… find out the music your cubical neighbor absolutely hates.  Death metal, Irish clogging music or Bluegrass usually does the trick for most people.

6.  Sigh.   Yes, just sit at your desk and sigh… Often and really loud.  Have fun with it.. make your sighs sound different. Start sighing when you get in and all throughout the day.  Don’t say anything about your sighs… just SIGH!  Isn’t this so simple?  I think there may be some health benefits to you doing this.. I’ll have to go check with Dr. Oz.

7. Use your natural talents God gave ya!   Snort your phlegm, Cough like you smoke 6 packs a day, Fart like a wild ape!  let er rip!  or…. YELL-sneeze (this is my favorite)  Just YELL AAAAAAACCCCHUUUUUUU… and say you have allergies.  This gets them jumping out of their chair from surprise every single time!

8. Talk!    Talk about every single thing you are thinking. EVERYTHING  Don’t hold back and talk to them through the cube wall. Don’t bother getting up!  That’s why cubicles were invented, for your talking convenience!!   Keep talking even if they are on the phone.  Talk talk talk talk.  This  may backfire on you if they are talkers too.  You’ll have to gauge this one.

9.  For the last one… Nine is a good number…  bang on your computer keyboard and your mouse all FUCKING DAY LONG  as if you are a MONKEY ON METH.  This one actually did drive me to a hypnotherapist.

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