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OK..  I’m about out of here for two weeks my cubical comrades, however, before I go I would like to share with you some awesome ways to really annoy your cube neighbor.  You know you have really hit the mother lode if you drive your cube neighbor to see a psychiatrist or a hypnotherapist to help deal with your craaaaaazy ass annoyances!  Ready?  Here goes.

1.  Eat something really slurpee and loud.  Spaghetti, soup, noodles, you get the picture?  Eat it like you are a starving kid in Ethiopia and hadn’t eaten in days.

3. Eat things extremely crunchy and throughout the day.  To get the full effect you must eat with your mouth wide open and chomp like a f*ing horse. If they happen to stop by and see you face to face, keep chomping and let the chips fly out of your mouth as you talk to them.  They won’t stay long, trust me…

4. Collate paper.  Now this sounds like a quiet activity.  However, if done properly by picking up reams of paper and pounding them on your desk several times a minute, it’s a show stopper for sure. You might get some of your papers organized in the process. It’s a multi-tasking thing.

5. Get the crappiest speakers you can find and plug in your MP3 player and well… you know what to do. You will have to get some Intel first though… find out the music your cubical neighbor absolutely hates.  Death metal, Irish clogging music or Bluegrass usually does the trick for most people.

6.  Sigh.   Yes, just sit at your desk and sigh… Often and really loud.  Have fun with it.. make your sighs sound different. Start sighing when you get in and all throughout the day.  Don’t say anything about your sighs… just SIGH!  Isn’t this so simple?  I think there may be some health benefits to you doing this.. I’ll have to go check with Dr. Oz.

7. Use your natural talents God gave ya!   Snort your phlegm, Cough like you smoke 6 packs a day, Fart like a wild ape!  let er rip!  or…. YELL-sneeze (this is my favorite)  Just YELL AAAAAAACCCCHUUUUUUU… and say you have allergies.  This gets them jumping out of their chair from surprise every single time!

8. Talk!    Talk about every single thing you are thinking. EVERYTHING  Don’t hold back and talk to them through the cube wall. Don’t bother getting up!  That’s why cubicles were invented, for your talking convenience!!   Keep talking even if they are on the phone.  Talk talk talk talk.  This  may backfire on you if they are talkers too.  You’ll have to gauge this one.

9.  For the last one… Nine is a good number…  bang on your computer keyboard and your mouse all FUCKING DAY LONG  as if you are a MONKEY ON METH.  This one actually did drive me to a hypnotherapist.

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I woke up this morning with a small boulder in my eye.  I have no idea how a boulder gets in your eye while you are sleeping, but it happened.  I swear.  So freaking painful.  I tried to sleep in a little until it went away but it just wouldn’t so I get up and head to work.  Trying to drive with a boulder in your eye is really hard.  It hurt so freaking bad that I decided to whip into my doctor’s office to have the boulder removed. Of course my doc couldn’t see me until 3:00pm so they send me to urgent care (Med 7 in Natomas).   I get to urgent care and they don’t open until 9:00.  Really?  OK.  so I sit in my car for an hour waiting with the boulder in my eye.

At 2 minutes until 9:00 I get out of my car and wait in front of their door.  I’m the only one there.  Then all of a sudden a lady in a business suit holding her briefcase and ipad saddles up right next to me in front of the door.  I’m thinking she works there or is a pharmacy rep.  When the worker unlocks the door, I open it and the lady just strides right in…. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!  OK.. I’m still thinking she has business and couldn’t possibly be a patient cutting in line.   She heads right up to the window and said she needs to see a doctor because she isn’t feeling good.  OMG what an f’ing BITCH!  I have a boulder in my eye and she cuts right in front of me.  Some people just don’t give a shit and are so entitled!  If she had been at the door first, I wouldn’t have cut in front of her!!    Of course I didn’t want to cause a scene so I just let the lady get served and let KARMA take care of her later.

PS. I still have a boulder in my eye.

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